How I truly feel.

Written by Ariel @ http://powerless-escape.blogspot.com.au/

“I am very confused by who are my friends, and who are my real friends. I know all of my friends do care for me, but to what extent. If you told me a stranger on the street was starving, I’d care too. I sacrifice a lot for people I really care about. But I’ve realized that not many actually have done the same for me. But I don’t know if the problem lies with them, or me.

I don’t know if my friends aren’t really my best friends and people that really prioritize about me and you know, do all the best friend stuff a best friend should do. Sometimes, I feel like I’m a one sided friend. I feel like I’m trying to be the best of a person and friend that I can be, putting all my friends above me, and they are doing the same, they put their friends above them too, but the problem is, the friend isn’t me. They prioritize their own friends, and sometimes even though I have the title of being a better friend, it just doesn’t feel that way. It’s like your friend getting a girl/boyf, and their love is prioritized above your friendship even though you prioritize your friend.

I don’t know if my example is clear, but this is how I feel, and it’s not even a boyf/girlf that I’m being prioritized below. It’s just a basic friend. And, I’ve really really tried to be a really good friend. It’s with everyone I meet. Their other friends just always seem to be more important than I’ll ever be, no matter how long we’ve known each other, rough times we stuck out, I can never compare. I don’t know if I’m too giving, and that decreases my importance. It’s easier to take me for granted you see. If I don’t get mad, or have my own opinion, I always go, “I don’t mind, what is better for you?” it gets me labelled as the un-losable friend. No matter what you shove into my ass, I’ll take it and still be there.

But on the other hand, I never really felt like I had anyone to lean on. To be honest, the feeling of being left by a friend you thought was true really sucks. It’s not any better that they make excuses. Sometimes people should just say, “Sorry, but people change.”, it makes things so much more understandable, for me at least. So I don’t know if people were never there for me, or if I’ve just never let them. I hate crying in front of people. I hate talking about my negative feelings. I hate how I never get my feelings out properly. So sometimes, I just don’t know. I just know that I won’t let people close enough to hurt me that much anymore, and so I didn’t. I don’t know if this is affecting how things work for me, but I’m laying out every option.

Then, for whichever reason, I start to blame myself. I go, “If I were pretty, people would make the effort to remain and prioritize me as a friend. If I were skinny. If I were not so awkward. If I had more confidence. If I were normal. If I this, if I that”, and I become so unhappy just by being me.

Then I’m just at a loss again, as to what to do. So I just stay sad and feel sorry for myself so I feel better. It’s like I can’t do anything right.

All I have is this stupid blog which everyone reads and people who don’t really care about me at all. Just curious people who want to know about me.”

 

I guess I have always been an innocent bystander in the lives of the people around me. I’ve always been sitting outside their stories, just sitting there and absorbing. All this while, with so much to say, yet only choosing to say a portion of how I really feel. There are so many times I try and open my mouth, wanna say how I really feel about what they’re doing with their lives, their relationship, how I sometimes find it unbearable, the way they treat life I guess. It’s tough not being able to say, but over time, I guess they just seep in and never found a way out. I mean, I’m okay with it I guess. It’s not that bad, at least I’m trying to be the best I can be, no matter how much I might be failing at it.

Sometimes, I hear stories, and so much so that I want to say that it feels morally wrong, the way people treat issues. But I guess it all comes down to the person themselves. I don’t know if it’s just me being judgemental here, or it’s normal to feel that way. C’mon, I can say I’m not exactly a very successful person in life, I’m not really smart, I’m not really pretty, I’m a girl with so much personal issues, and I kinda have the worst relationships in the history of relationships. But I guess if I were placed in the position of some of you guys out there, I probably might have done things a lil’ differently.

It’s kind of cruel, the way some people treat life. The way, everything seems so… minor, so insignificant.

I suppose I will never intentionally do something to hurt a friend, I suppose I won’t do things to let myself down. But then again, who knows, I might already done these things unknowingly. I mean, I might have already hurt a fair share of people in my life, I could name a few if I have to. Some things, I might have done differently, some things, I like to remain the same.

All I wanna say is that… actually I have no idea.

 

Sprinkle some glitter.

It’s okay not to be okay. It doesn’t mean that if I’m sad, I got to put on a long face. It doesn’t mean that if I’m happy, I have to smile. Fake smiles on the roll these days and it’s  starting to become, natural. The way she smiles at everyone, the way she strides like there’s nothing wrong with her life. When in fact, she’s hurting inside. So much that she believes that it’s time to shut down. To shut herself away from the world. And that’s the tale of how a little girl grew up. It’s not about what had happened to her but what she’s seen happened to others. I guess it’s pretty tragic for those people, to have such lives. But she refuses to be like that. To be like them. Cause it hurts just watching from outside, imagine experiencing it. Nothing wrong with shutting down she tells herself. It’s okay, normal in fact. Because it’s prevention.

Never again will she open up to please anyone. Let her fairytale happen. X.

 

Alexithymia.

I started this post with so much to say, but when I try putting everything in my head into words… it just doesn’t seem to work.  Well in any case, I can’t really define the way I’m feeling right now. I feel like I’m a pack of skittles with all the different colours representing different emotions I’m feeling right now. Like how I’m feeling pretty angst, yet at the same time really really lonesome. But not lonesome enough to cry, just enough to feel happy. I know all of this might not make sense, cause it doesn’t really make sense to me to. I guess that’s just how life is, it never makes sense. I mean no one can clearly understand the purpose of life right? But why doesn’t it make sense? Why isn’t there a correct sets of answers so that no one ever makes mistakes. Why isn’t there a perfect answer for everything.

Life’s not that bad I suppose. Not unless you let it be. Despite not knowing what to say, I’ve already said a pretty decent amount of crap. Unloading, it’s not that hard after all. I don’t really like how I’m feeling now though. No one likes someone who’s delusional and thinks the whole universe hates him/her. Tough love huh? It’s not easy to be liked, neither is it easy to make people like you. The phase of self-acceptance is not tough, it’s actually pretty easy, but not everyone has the courage to do it. I for once, do.

Regrets.

Redemption – The Strange Familiar

The night is slowly closing
But my eyes are slowly opened
And I see that somewhere in you
There is a good heart
There is a good soul

For everyone lost in the silence
For every one missing piece
For every will that is broken
No matter how dark it may be
There is redemption

I feel the threat of thunder
But this rain can’t last forever
The light chases the dark
Where there’s a good heart
There is a good soul

For everyone lost in the silence
For every one missing piece
For every will that is broken
No matter how dark it may be
There is redemption
There is redemption

For everyone lost in the silence
There is redemption

Found a place to rest my head, in the arms of the ocean.

Sometimes I wonder if the people in these pictures are really truly happy. The pain they went through to attain the happiness they truly deserve. But I guess it’s all worth it in the end. I wanna find someone who share my happy news with me, to have joy together, to play in the rain and act all foolish. The one who will hold me tight and just gently whisper to me the words I want to hear. Hold my hand through the darkest of days, to never let me go.

But no matter how desperate we are to have the most perfect relationship, we shouldn’t rush through things. I remember when I use to plan my future in my head. Plan how my wedding was gonna be like, how many children I want to have. But then it stroke me that these things can be planned, they should be natural. I want to have a happy life where everything is unpredicted. I don’t wanna plan the years I need before I get married. That’s just too far ahead.

No matter how envious we are when we see cute couples holding hands on the street, we should believe that our time will come and just enjoy it. Enjoy the company of your friends. Enjoy the state you’re in and just be contented.

X. 

I’ll give you this song, my words to you.

Isn’t it funny how I always feel like there’s something in my life I should complain about. I shouldn’t right? I should be enjoying life, being carefree and shit.

The fact that I’ve changed so much as a person doesn’t really help much. I know that I didn’t use to be like that. I suppose environment do indeed change people, no matter how much you struggle to stay the same. Yet the things you tell yourself you need to change stays with you. The way I see it, the more you try and be different, you do, but not the parts you want to change.

You try so hard to fit in, to make the right choices, but you end up making more mistakes. One after another, it’s not even funny anymore. You stop treating yourself seriously, and you yearn to just go back to the past, where everything was still simple. Well, I need to be simple again. I want to go back to the past where everything was dull and mundane, where I didn’t have to give a damn about anyone or anything. A place where there were no such things as mistakes.

All I want now is to be simple. I don’t wanna do the things I did. I just wanna live. X

Words are not just words.

…..Sometimes words are never just words. They might mean very little to the speaker, it might just be a passing remark. But no one knows how the receiver actually feel. A fake tainted smile is easy to put on, I shrugged of shoulders is easy to show, a little chuckle is easy to imitate. But in fact they might be burning hot inside, might be dying to just dig a hole to hide themself.

It doesn’t mean that if I don’t speak up means I’m okay with what you’re saying. It doesn’t mean I act like I don’t care means I don’t really care. It doesn’t mean that I’m smiling means I don’t really wanna kill you. People only hear what they say, but don’t understand that when words are exchanged, there might be deafening consequences. A girl who has just been called fat might be choking down slimming pills to make herself feel better. A boy who has just been called faggy might just be hurting himself because he thinks he’s different. A girl who isn’t model-perfect might be considering plastic surgery this very moment because someone pointed out her imperfections.

We don’t process what we want to say before actually shooting them out, without giving enough thought of how the receiver might feel. Or maybe you enjoy seeing people being vulnerable, being helpless, because it gives you satisfaction.

“Well, putting others down doesn’t make you a better person.”

It doesn’t make you a smarter person.

It doesn’t make you more superior than everyone else.

It doesn’t make you any cooler.

Being an asshole, it doesn’t make you appealing. No, it doesn’t.

So what if you think that others are annoying, that they are dumber. So what. Why can’t people just fucking mind their own business. Why must you use words to criticise, to discriminate, to stereotype, to be mean to others. Even if you think they deserve it, they don’t. Because it doesn’t make you happier. It just shows how not understanding a person can be. I might not be perfect because you think my parents are people who are not worthy in your eyes, or that I’m not pretty enough, or that I’m not smart enough, or not cool enough, but it still doesn’t give you any fucking right. It doesn’t even mean any shit. I can’t choose my parents, I love who they are, I love the way they brought me up. I love the fact that they work hard to give me a good education, I love the fact they teach me to fight for what I want. I even love the fact that they put me through a neighbourhood school, cause it also makes me who I am today. So stop being such a dick and judge me or my parents, because one day I will make you see that you are not better than everyone else. You’re not any more special than everyone else.

I might be a disgrace, but it doesn’t make you any better.

So before we take this road, before I change my mind.

There are times where the things you tell yourself no longer matter and the things you wanna do and the things you wanna say matter more than anything else in the world. You tell yourself to forget, forget everything there use to be, everything you thought use to be, everything you once use to have. And then you realise, the problem doesn’t lie with how tough it is. The problem lies with you yourself, for being unable to let go of what’s holding you back.

When you see what you don’t wanna see, hear what you don’t wanna hear, touch what you don’t wanna touch, everything feels out of place. You feel like just punching a hole in the wall, throwing things around just to let it all out, just to feel different. When life gives you signs to leave, the more you are determined to tug on to what no longer belongs  to you.

You think the problem lies with yourself, when in fact there is no actual problem. There’s nothing wrong with holding on to the things that keep you moving, keep you alive, keep you from drowning in misery. Those are the things that make you different, make you who you are. They are the parts of you that you never wanna let go off.

Past mistakes may affect any future decisions. And, I guess, that’s good. It makes you learn, makes you grow from the pain you think you suffered, makes you stronger. It reminds you of what you fail to keep, yet are still able to hold on to. It makes you look back, makes you realise that maybe things could have turned out differently. A continuous supply of hope,  and faith to carry on. Some may call it being delusional, but never forget that it gives you strength to believe, strength to move on.

You will always be close to me. X

Hi my little darlings. I’ve realized that it has been a really, really long time since I last blog and I’m really sorry ’bout that. The thing is that…. well my stupid ass laptop crashed on me and it has become so inconvenient for me to blog. I know I should have done it with my iPad but I just never got around to actually do it cause I’ve been quite busy. So I guess I just gotta stick with this shit for the time being, till I get my laptop fixed at least.

Anyways, I’m so excited right now. I mean like I’m gonna be having my economics exam in like 3 hours time and I haven’t even finish studying but what the heck, it’s not even accounted for. Oh, I’m excited……CAUSE I’M GONNA BE HOME IN 5 DAYS TIME. OMG >< So excited, mainly for the food though :/ Need to get in touch with my singapore food k. My carrot cake, my bar chor mee, my hokkien mee…… :DDDDDD

Okay, this is just gonna be like a really short post cause I should prolly go finish up my last 2 chapters now. Blog when I’m back in SG. Bye lovelies.

X